What a rollercoaster this week has been for me. By Friday evening I made a very emotional decision and the finality of it was a relief. The problem was - God did not seem to agree with my decision and my prayers and angst hit the proverbial but literal brick wall. I was more upset by not being in fellowship with my Heavenly Father then by what brought this whole issue to it's climatic "end". I cried, I ranted, I raved, I came pretty close to a pity party rolled up into a tantrum. Ted and I talked through the whole weekend about this situation. He supported me, but when the dust started to settle he started to speak words of wisdom and spiritual guidance. He began listing all the things that God might be teaching me... and he started naming the very lessons that God had in fact been showing me the past year. I calmed down and realized that maybe the situation I was in was difficult, but that God wanted me in it for HIS reasons. The brick wall started dissolving, and although I did not like that God was still telling me to continue onward and trust Him, I knew that was the best decision.
I still didn't feel like the fellowship was completely restored, and I was concerned about entering God's House today and not being able to worship or that my struggle would keep someone else from being able to worship. I had to apologize to God for having an emotional melt down and making a decision without His guidance. I kept seeking peace and not quite finding it.
After lunch today, Ted made some cookies and I went to take a nap. I had the sweetest dream, something I haven't had in a very long time. I woke up thanking God for family, and praying for the various members that I had encountered in my dream. Moving forward, I am going to totally trust God even when I am emotional. It doesn't matter whether I am in the right or not, what matters is- if I have put God first and let Him take care of those situations in life.
Life is but a vapor, don't let it become a weight that keeps you from serving the Lord.