For those of you that follow this blog and have not just stumbled upon it randomly, you know the journey we have been on for the past couple of years. A journey of grace, trust, waiting on the Lord even when we don't understand, and learning to keep on living this race of life. Everyone mourns the passing of a loved one differently, although it usually follows the same stages, it just depends on how long it takes you to get through each stage.
Last weekend, I went through some family pictures and of course Momma was in 98% of them. Pictures seemed to have helped the rest of the family, with me it seems to be the opposite. Pictures of Momma keeps the hurt and loss constantly before me, and then I struggle to move forward. I thought I handled the whole picture thing fairly well these past few years and even last weekend. Then, a sweet lady passed away this week and her visitation was in the same room of the funeral home as Momma had been, yellow roses on the casket, the funeral director knew me, I was there by myself.... and I realllly struggled. My heart physically hurt by the time I got to the car to go to church. Now, for over 2 years I thought I was doing very well considering... but this seems to be a new stage of mourning that I had not expected. I dreamed of Momma that night, and for once my mind didn't acknowledge that she wasn't supposed to be there. Usually, I realize in my dream that seeing her is precious and something to enjoy. No, she is NOT visiting me in my dreams, it's my brain trying to sort through the jumbled thought processes of what I am going through when I am awake.
She had such an impact on our lives that even as time passes, her strong godly influence doesn't fade. I had a good friend tell me that she thought her funeral would be just a couple of minutes long as she didn't have many friends and didn't think that anyone would bother coming. What sort of impact will my life leave for the glory of God? Will people miss me or mourn my passing, or will I be just another name in the paper? Am I living my life in a way that honors God and leaves a godly imprint on others' lives?
I read an obit in my hometown paper this morning. The name was unique and immediately I knew it had to be related to the boy who died a few years before I went to school. I was right.. it was his grandmother. I never knew the family or the boy who died, but the impact of his death was felt through the years at our school. He was remembered at class reunions, etc. Now more then 35 years later, he is remembered again through the passing of his grandmother.
I usually view myself as simple, behind the scenes, Plain Jane, nobody special....but I do want my life to be a godly example to those around me. When I leave this earth, I hope others will say... "she inspired me to serve God".
As I deal with this new stage of mourning, I trust you too will think of what legacy you are leaving behind.